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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28322004">xinechimatoca</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/justK/pseuds/justK'>justK</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>random nct works [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>:), Alternate Universe - College/University, Body Worship, Bottom Qian Kun, Cockwarming, Crying, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Hendery is so in love with him, Kun has a certain trauma, Kun suffers, M SORRY, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Not Betaed, Physical Abuse, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sexual Abuse, There's smut at the end, Top Wong Kun Hang | Hendery, based on a request, bottom Kun nation, but Hendery is there for him, but don't follow their example kids, but like soft, but they're not aaaas explicit, click on first chapter link for aesthetic!!!, disrupted narrative, hendery and Ten are step brothers, honestly, i dunno how many chapters there are gonna be, i'll write the warnings here, it does contain the elements listed previously, just enough to move the story, love wayv pls, nor when i'll upload, tag update:, the tags make it sound more terrible than it actually is, they all study arts, they don't wear a condom, yo wrap that shit up</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 17:02:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>15,913</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28322004</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/justK/pseuds/justK</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>maybe i needed that somebody else could cry over my pain, to become able to cry over it myself.</em>
</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Qian Kun/Original Male Character(s), Qian Kun/Wong Kun Hang | Hendery</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>random nct works [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2007520</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>55</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>not a native english speaker, i apologise for any mistake i might have.<br/>
click for:</p><p><a href="https://tenactwayv.tumblr.com/post/638780753331847168/maybe-i-needed-that-somebody-else-could-cry-over">aesthetic</a> </p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>looking down at the timetable printed on a simple white sheet of paper with black ink, Kun checked which class was next on his schedule. <em>music history</em>. alright. Kun has never really been one to love history, but it was about music, so he endured it. </p><p>he fixed a slightly fallen book, because yes, Kun was like that, a little order freak, it was just another one of his flaws. <em>because Kun had many flaws. </em></p><p>when he closed the locker door, he caught a glimpse of something standing mere centimetres away from him out of the corner of his eye, and so he jumped at the surprise. once he got to close the door with the force of his jump and stabilised himself, he saw a smiling Kunhang near him. </p><p>“you scared me,” he yelled without raising his voice, a hand on his chest calming his heartbeat down. </p><p>Kunhang laughed. “i noticed,” he nodded. </p><p>“how are you doing?” Kun asked, rearranging the books in his arms and the specs on the bridge of his nose. </p><p>“i'm good,” he smiled, brightly as he always did, illuminating his soft features. “Ten-gē has returned from Thailand, i just wanted to let you know, in case he hasn't already.” </p><p>“i heard he was coming back last time we videocalled, about a week ago,” he nodded. “but he never really said when.” </p><p>Kunhang stepped forward before replying. “well, i'm telling you now. he just landed, i'm going to pick him up in a bit, since taxis are expensive, or so he says,” he rolled his eyes and Kun smiled. “anyways, i just wanted to tell you we want you to come over so we can spend some quality time. Ten's been saying we go to this new club, but i told him that some drinks at our place should be enough.” </p><p>Kun jumped for the second time in the span of five minutes when he felt a warm and big hand serpent around his waist, only to tense when he felt his boyfriend's presence against him. </p><p>“hi, love,” his thick voice said. </p><p>“hi,” Kun mouthed back, shyly and greeting him with a small smile. Kunhang only stopped smiling as widely as before, keeping his distance. </p><p>“hi, Kunhang,” the tall man acknowledged his presence without really looking at him and in such a fast way, that it actually felt quite forced. Kunhang didn't answer, resorting, instead, to lean against the metal of the lockers at his right. “i'm walking you to your class, you're gonna be late.” </p><p><em>was he?</em> Kun was sure that he still had time left, but he didn't point it out and nodded his head. </p><p>“of course,” he smiled, <em>beautifully</em>, and lifted his head to look at his boyfriend. “just let me say goodbye, <em>please?</em>” </p><p>his so called boyfriend stepped back, only enough to allow them to breathe, he still stuck close to Kun, leaning his back on the lockers' surface and taking his phone out to pretend he wasn't paying attention. </p><p>Kun slowly turned his head from his boyfriend and back to his friend, his shoulders slightly shrunken and his eyes a little ashamed, Kunhang smiled brightly at him once more. </p><p>“i'll tell you later, after my class,” if Kun had had long hair, Kunhang could have pictured him putting a silky strand of hair behind his ear in a subtle manner, almost feminine. “be careful when you drive, i'll text you.” </p><p>“of course, <em>gē</em>,” Kunhang waved his hand, because he felt hugging him the way he wanted to was going to be considered reckless. </p><p>his boyfriend placed an arm around his shoulders to guide him, and Kun only let himself be pulled closer to him, sneaking a shy arm around his waist. </p><p>“Kunhang was inviting me to spend some time with our friends,” he informed, voice low. “Ten is back from Thailand.” </p><p>the taller man squeezed Kun's shoulder, not enough to hurt, but enough to make Kun shrink under his arm. </p><p>“you know i don't like it when you go out with them,” Kun lowered his head, <em>he knew</em>. his boyfriend was rather protective, but Kun understood, he knew he just wanted him safe and was always worried when Kun went out, <em>there was nothing wrong about that. </em></p><p>“i know,” he stopped in his tracks and turned his body to bury his face in his boyfriend's broad chest. “but that's why i wanted to ask, Beomseok, i haven't seen Ten in six months, <em>please let me go</em>.” </p><p>“hmm,” Beomseok muttered, sliding his hand to hold tight onto Kun's waist. “i suppose you could go, but only for a couple hours, you know staying till late is very dangerous,” his grip on the tender flesh of his waistline tightened and Kun held in his breath, immediately nodding. “i want you back by eleven.” </p><p>“of course!” he smiled, innocent as always. “thank you!” </p><p>Kun arrived to his class way before anyone else did, but he didn't complain as he kissed his boyfriend goodbye and took a seat in the second row with his books in front of him. he dived in them, reading some information he had already read twice, but how else was he supposed to spent his free time? </p><p>his phone rang in his pocket, when he took it out, he saw a message from Ten, his annoying best friend. </p><p>
  <em>»i'm back, loser</em>
</p><p>
  <em>»we should hang out today</em>
</p><p>
  <em>»hendery told me to stay in, you pair of nerds</em>
</p><p>he smiled before replying briefly. </p><p>
  <em>»ofc, i already asked Beomseok for permission, but i'll only be able to stay for a couple hours </em>
</p><p>Ten's reply arrived at light's speed. </p><p>
  <em>»i don't want to read the word "permission" ever again </em>
</p><p>
  <em>»but sigh</em>
</p><p>
  <em>»it's okay ig</em>
</p><p>
  <em>»see u tonite</em>
</p><p> </p><p>. </p><p> </p><p>at night, Kun changed his clothes to something more <em>in-style</em>, as Ten would often say, not feeling like listening to his best friend roast him about his clothes choices tonight. he knew Ten would find the way to bother him anyway, but at least not over his outfit. </p><p>Kunhang would pick him up, since he had to return to school after leaving Ten at their flat, having had like three or four hours of dance practice with his team and since Kun's own flat was on his way, he voluntarily said he'll give him a ride. </p><p>so, at eight sharp, Kun was stepping out of his building to find his other best friend (and Ten's stepbrother), waiting for him. Kun stepped into the car and while he was fastening his seat belt. Kunhang spoke. </p><p>“wow,” that forced Kun to turned towards him. </p><p>he raised an eyebrow. “what?” </p><p>“you're showing off your arms,” the younger replied, his eyes lingering on his naked skin. </p><p>“is it that bad?” Kun asked, his eyes suddenly looking very big and sort of scared. his hands flew to cover whatever little he could. </p><p>
  <em>“go back and take that off, you're only wearing long sleeves from now on.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“but-” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“you don't look good in this, and you have to cover your body, it's only for me to see.”</em>
</p><p>“i know i should have picked the blue hoodie,” he continued speaking. “let me go back inside, i'll change real quick-” </p><p>“<em>Kun-gē!</em>” Kunhang exclaimed, placing his left hand on the wheel to turn his upper body to the right and look at Kun with a confused expression. “that's not what i meant. what are you talking about? i meant you look really good, you look lovely, gē.”</p><p>Kun stopped babbling and looked at Kunhang with an unreadable stare.</p><p>“you really think so?” </p><p>Kunhang nodded. </p><p>“of course, Kun.” </p><p>“o-okay.” </p><p>“ready to go?” </p><p>“yes!” and Kunhang started the car to get going. </p><p>“Ten stole Yangyang tonight,” Kunhang said. “poor boy, he's going to be corrupted and he's barely in his first year.” </p><p>Kun chuckled. “i don't think Yangyang is as innocent as you think. he's Ten's latest acquisition, after all.” </p><p>“you were Ten's acquisition too, though,” Kunhang remarked, turning right on the corner. “and you're still a small bean.” </p><p>“oh! shut up.” </p><p>when they arrived to Kunhang and Ten's block of flats, after Kunhang had locked the car, he turned around and looked Kun directly in the eye. </p><p>“you will have fun today, gē,” he said, talking to him like a football coach would talk to a player. “i haven't seen you let yourself be in so long, please do this one thing for Ten's ass.” </p><p>Kun laughed at the expression and Kunhang smiled back. </p><p>“i'll try,” he replied. </p><p>Kunhang shrugged. “well, i guess that's better than nothing.” </p><p>and with a hand on Kun's lower back, he led them both inside. </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>so:<br/>this was requested by someone over the comments (not sure if i can mention you, darling, but you'll know i'm talking about you), i took their general idea and twisted it the slightest bit to write thisss<br/>i'm not entirely sure this is good enough, because it's the first time i try a dark theme (?), or probably not dark, but sensitive, i think i am still learning and any comment will be more than welcome :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>chapters are most likely going to be short, i just realised that :(</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>they neared Kun's flat and Kun tightened the seat belt in his hands, rubbing the rough ends against the skin of his neck. Kunhang stopped the car. </p><p>Kun gulped before turning his head to the left, forcing himself to let go of the fabric of the belt, then, he spoke. </p><p>“thank you, Dery.” </p><p>“it is nothing, gē,” he replied. “i hope you had fun.” </p><p>“i did!” he affirmed. “i am sorry i had to leave this early, Beomseok wanted some time with me,” he lied. maybe Beomseok did want some time with him, but he knew that he was mainly waiting, ready to snap if Kun stepped into the floor one minute late, blaming his safety on his friends. </p><p>“no problem,” Kunhang shrugged it off. “i hope you can answer the video call Ten-gē promised.”</p><p>“i will.” </p><p>and with that, Kun got off the car, trembling in the slightest when he felt a cool gust of wind hit his naked arms. he walked the familiar path, not even stopping to lock at the buttons in the lift, his fingers pressed them as if it was a part of him, and he anxiously waited for the <em> ring </em> to announce he was on his floor. </p><p>the door opened and Kun breathed in before moving his foot to leave the metal box. his apartment was to the right, he changed his phone from his right hand to his left and typed in the security code to go inside. </p><p>it was dark, not even the telly of the living room turned on. the door clicked shut behind him and he bent down to put the shoes he had just taken off aside, on the rack that was meant for that. Kun sighed. <em> maybe Beomseok isn't here, </em> he thought. </p><p><em>wrong</em>. </p><p>Kun gasped when he was suddenly pressed against the cold wall. the light was lit. he had to blink a couple times to get his eyes used to the change. when he focused his gaze, Beomseok was dangerously close, staring at him, in the same position Kun used to flourish in, heart beating faster in anticipation, ready to jump and circle his legs around Beomseok's middle to then kiss and fuck and fall into the bedsheets, throat sore from so much moaning. well… that was before. now, Kun's heart beat in anticipation — <em> yes</em>, but because he was ready to escape, and if his throat ached in the morning, it wasn't because of pleasure anymore. </p><p>“Seok…” Kun muttered, shrinking even more his already small frame. </p><p>“why are you wearing this?” he basically growled. </p><p>Kun lowered his gaze to look at his uncovered arms and immediately used his hands to cover whatever little he could. Beomseok stopped him. “don't try to hide it now. you've already walked outside looking like this,” Beomseok stepped away, and Kun could only get as much relief to take in a deep breath, because then Beomseok snapped. “you know i don't fucking like you going out like this! you know what you can and what you can't wear! even after i was kind enough to let you go out with your friends, you were petty enough to pay me back like this!” </p><p>Kun lowered his head and his shoulders slumped down, his hands extended poorly trying to hold onto Beomseok's arms. </p><p>“please Beomseok,” he asked, walking in terror towards him. “i just wanted to have fun with them, there's nothing wrong in-” </p><p>“you don't get to decide what's right or wrong!” Beomseok shouted at him, roughly grabbing him by his collar until Kun stayed still as a rock. “i guess there's only one way to make sure you won't go around whoring again like tonight.” </p><p>Kun opened his eyes as big they were and started frantically shaking his head <em> no </em>. </p><p>“please, Seok,” he asked, placing his open palms on his chest. “i won't do it again, i promise. let me make it up to you, please let me-” </p><p>he was abruptly interrupted by Beomseok's fist landing painfully on his side. Kun had wanted to curl in on himself, trying to shield his body, but his boyfriend's grip on his shirt was strong and there was no way he could get away, unless, of course, Beomseok threw him away, which he definitely did. </p><p>Kun landed on his hip, near the door and didn't stop to think about the pain, he hurriedly tried to stand up, tripping with his own feet as he did so. Beomseok stopped him by kicking his ribs with his foot as Kun was in a bending position, sending Kun backwards again. </p><p>“you will do as i say or i promise you will not be seeing your friends any time soon!” Beomseok took Kun harshly by his arms, digging in his fingers hard enough to bruise, Kun was on his tippy toes, almost floating due to the force Beomseok was holding him with. “you will not be going out with them until i make sure you learn how to behave. and if you dare challenge me again, i will hit them twice as hard, that whatever pathetic injury you have will be nothing compared to theirs!” </p><p>Kun was sobbing by then, letting his head fall reluctant, his body was basically limp in Beomseok's hands. </p><p>“please,” Kun's voice was so thin, had it been a tangible thing, it would have broken. “don't do anything to them, hit me instead.” </p><p>“oh, i definitely will,” Beomseok finally let go of Kun's one arm, bringing it, almost delicately, to Kun's cheek. “you know i only every give you what you deserve, right?” </p><p>“right,” Kun nodded. “thank you.” </p><p>“this pretty face it's meant to be exhibited in the largest museum,” he caressed Kun's jawline. “but the rest of your body it's only for me to see.” </p><p>he suddenly grabbed Kun's wrist the most painful way possible, Kun knew right then he would have to wear long sleeves and sweater paws to cover them from view. </p><p>Kun continued to curl his body, crying in pain at every blow and kick he received, not complaining, no longer begging, because Beomseok had threatened to hurt his friends and he wasn't going to allow that. </p><p>his phone rang about three times, but he couldn't hear and just like that, he missed his friends' video call. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>also, i don't think i said what the title means, sooo,,,<br/>as you may know (or may not know), if you have followed me through some of my works, that i'm not a native english speaker, i am a spanish speaker, and there's this word from a dialect that's the one in the title <em>(xinechimatoca) </em> that means “caress me”, i thought it to be appropriate, and later on you'll see why :))</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>it was nice here, Kun thought. warm and somehow cozy, despite being out in the open. <em>red carnations</em> were planted all over the field, some scattered trees around too, Kun could not see anything else, not constructions nor people, only nature and an indescribable feeling of peace. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he smiled as he set up a comfortable pace, walking and caressing the petals with the pads of his fingers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>the sun was shining, bright and apparently hot, but Kun could not feel stickiness on his skin, or the warm feeling up his neck and face, still, a pretty blush painted his cheeks in such delicate strokes, he looked like a more dainty version of a Petrushka doll. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>it was a dream, he could tell, by the way time seemed to go by three times faster, but still being unable to move, because Kun was walking, but he wasn't really moving, that is, until he could make out the outline of a masculine figure a few steps ahead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kun was wearing a white, translucent piece of clothing on his torso, embracing his figure just the right way and leaving his unmarked skin in sight; his legs were uncovered from the lower part of his thighs and further down, dressing the upper part of his legs in white shorts, that he wouldn't dare use. his hair was soft and fluffy over his head, falling in messy slightly curly locks over his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he looked breathtaking, and so Kunhang thought as he saw Kun's elegant figure approaching him. he himself had been sitting over a blanket, extended carefully over the itchy grass, exquisite-looking plates and bowls of food laying over the surface, and a wine bottle resting inside a bucket. Kunhang extended his arm out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“<em>come</em>,” he said, and Kun let his eyes wander over his black, flawlessly combed hair. he too was wearing white clothing: white slim-fit trousers, and a white cotton, long sleeved, shirt, completely covered, as opposed to Kun. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“<em>what are you doing here?</em>” Kun asked, but he smiled as he took his friend's hand to sit down next to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kunhang smiled. “<em>waiting for you</em>.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“<em>me?</em>” he asked, brows frowning lightly. “<em>why me?</em>” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he watched as Kunhang turned around to pick up something between his hands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“<em>because it has been a long way down</em>,” he looked down, making Kun look down as well. there was a bouquet of <em>astilbe</em> flowers, they were pale peach and bright pink. “<em>this is for you</em>,” Kunhang offered the flowers with both hands. “<em>i picked them up from the garden at the end of this field.</em>” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“<em>thank you,</em>” Kun said, accepting them also with both hands. he smiled, wide and glowing. Kunhang cupped his face in his hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“<em>let's eat, shall we?</em>” he said gesturing to the feast in front of them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kun nodded like a small kid. “<em>sure</em>.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>and they ate and ate, and then ate some more, because they were not feeling full at any time. and they also drank wine, drowning in the dry flavour and sweet aroma. they laughed. Kunhang made him laugh. and they ran through the fields, chasing and tickling and falling to the ground. and when they returned to the picnic, they lay down to look up at the sky, a small, cute teacup dog running to them and licking all over Kun's face while Kunhang looked fondly at them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>they finally stood still, looking at the stars at night. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“<em>sleep, sweet boy,</em>” Kunhang whispered in Kun's ear. “<em>i'll be for you when you wake up.</em>” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kun woke up in what felt like hours later, and he woke up feeling cold, the warm feeling embracing his skin no longer there, and when he turned to where Kunhang was supposed to be lying next to him, he only saw an empty spot on the bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he reached to the sides with sore arms, and when he tried to sit up on the soft mattress, he realised how bad his limbs actually ached. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>realisation drowned him like a wild wave in the sea. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he let himself fall back, pressing on his fresh bruises with the movements while trying to make himself comfortable. his groin hurt and burned like crazy and Kun knew it was due to the constant impact on the area the night before. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he closed his eyes as he tried to relax in a painfully empty bed. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“hey, Kun!” Kun lowered his head and held onto his books tighter when he heard Yukhei's voice. “Ku-un!” </p><p>he should run, he knew, but he also knew what rude it would be to run from Yukhei just like that, so he just shut his eyes and waited for his friend to reach him. </p><p>“hi,” Yukhei greeted and smiled, displaying his cute big baby face. </p><p>“hi,” he gulped. “what is it, Xuxi?” </p><p>“we didn't see you at lunch today,” he said. “what happened?” </p><p>“oh,” Kun answered pathetically. “i had to stop by the library to study,” he wrinkled his nose to try to accommodate his glasses. “actually, that's where i'm heading to right now, i have to finish some history projects.” </p><p>“fair enough,” Yukhei nodded his head. “i hope yesterday's night with Beomseok had gone good.” </p><p>Kun stopped waking and turned his head towards his younger friend, heart beating faster in his chest. </p><p>“what?” he managed to ask.</p><p>“you didn't answer our phone calls,” Yukhei informed. “Ten-gē said he would call, remember? he wanted you to finish the night with us. he managed to kiss Sicheng-gē, you should have seen that!” </p><p>Yukhei laughed and Kun didn't have the heart to leave him by himself, so he laughed along, playfully asking for some more details before saying goodbye to go separate ways. </p><p>Kun basically ran as soon as he was left alone in the hallway, going into the library and landing on his safe spot in the upper floor, almost at the back, where a table with a cushioned bench was located. he sighed, then, proceeded to pull his laptop and headphones out, it was partially true that he had a music history project, but he had almost finished it that morning, right now he was going to focus in fixing some minor details in his latest track. </p><p>he hadn't even be able to start when a body slipped in the seat next to him startling him and making him jump. </p><p>“Hendery!” he exclaimed, in a whisper of course, landing a blow on his arm. “you gotta stop scaring the life out of me.” </p><p>Kunhang giggled. “i'm sorry, gē. i was told by Lucas that i could find you here.” </p><p>Kun mentally slapped himself. sweet, pure Xuxi. </p><p>“ah, yes,” he said. “i'm about to work on my track,” he pointed at his headphones, expecting Kunhang to get the hint and just let him be. Beomseok, being the protective boyfriend he was, could come in any moment and Kun didn't want him to mistake the situation. Kunhang had to leave, immediately. </p><p>“hum,” Kunhang mused, lowering his head to rest it in his forearm, making himself comfortable. “you didn't answer yesterday, you told me you would.” </p><p>Kun licked his lips and hurried to put the headphones around his neck. </p><p>“yes, i'm sorry,” he replied. Kunhang was looking at him. “i left my phone in the living room and Beomseok was there, he asked me to watch a movie with him in the bedroom and i didn't hear it, i'm sorry.” Kunhang was still looking at him, and Kun felt uncomfortable under his gaze, not because Kunhang made him feel awkward in any way, but because he was looking at him as if analysing. </p><p>“it's fine,” his friend finally said, shaking his head to make his bangs dance and move them away from his eyes, for at least a little while. Kun sighed in relief, internally, smiling on the outside. he did not expect Kunhang to wrap his hand around Kun's wrist in a loving way, which Kun would've appreciated had he not felt a wave up thin, sharp, pain shoot up his hand and forearm. he unconsciously hissed and pulled his hand away. “gē?” Kunhang asked, straightening his position right away. “what is it?” </p><p>Kun blinked rapidly while rubbing his wrist with his other hand, not answering as fast as he should have. Kunhang took this as his cue to extend his fingers and roll up Kun's sleeve as best he could. Kun groaned in pain again at the brusqueness. </p><p>underneath the soft fabric of the sweater, there was Kun's hand, milky pale, and with deep violet hematomas all around his wrist and part of his forearm. </p><p>“gē,” Kunhang said again, or more like warned. “what is this?” </p><p>Kunhang sounded scared, more than mad, but the angry undertone lingering in his voice was undeniable. Kun hurried to cover himself again. </p><p>“i hit myself, a ceramic bowl landed on my arm,” he explained poorly. Kunhang frowned. </p><p>“Kun,” he warned again. “Kun we've never lied to each other.”</p><p>Kun started to panic at that, his breathing sped up and he gripped Kunhang's hand with his. his eyes were slightly unfocused, and he looked at Kunhang with pleading eyes.</p><p>“don't do this to me,” he begged. “please.” </p><p>“i just want the truth, Kun.” </p><p>“that's the truth!” he exclaimed. </p><p>“no, it is not,” Kunhang shook his head. “i can see it in your eyes, and your voice and you're scared… what are you afraid of?” </p><p>Kun let go of Kunhang's hand and moved his head to frantically look at various directions, resembling a curious meerkat. Kunhang waited until Kun settled his attention on him again. </p><p>“you have to promise me you won't say anything,” he conditioned. that certainly made Kunhang doubt, because if it was something bad, there was no way he would keep it to himself, but it was Kun, one of his best friends and the guy he had been in love with for years now, there was nothing Kunhang wouldn't do for him. so he just ended up agreeing, for the sake of uncovering whatever it was Kun was hiding. </p><p>after that, Kun gathered all his things inside his bag, pulling at Kunhang's arm once he was done to lead him to an empty bathroom, where he locked the door and shakily turned towards the younger. </p><p>“i can't lie to you,” Kun said, grasping onto Kunhang's words, words that pained him to the very soul, because it was true, how horrible of a friend should he be to lie to his face? </p><p>“you're scaring me,” Kunhang said. “please tell me it's nothing bad.” </p><p>“it's nothing you have to worry about,” he evaded his request. “don't freak out, yes?” </p><p>“okay,” Kunhang nodded quietly. </p><p>Kun then took off his jumper, folding it neatly and placing it on the sink, letting his shoulders shrink under Kunhang's gaze. he heard his friend's gasp and he saw as Kunhang's hands clenched and unclenched in tight fists. Kunhang, too, started to tremble. </p><p>“Kun…” Kunhang mused, tensed jaw. “what happened?” </p><p>Kun didn't answer, so Kunhang continued. </p><p>“was it…” he paused. “...Beomseok?” </p><p>Kun still didn't answer, but he nodded this time. he flinched when he heard a loud thud inside the small bathroom. Kunhang had hit the paper dispenser out of anger. </p><p>Kunhang knew. fuck. he had known for a long time. then why hadn't he done anything? Kun was an entirely different person when he first met him, smiling and soft and talkative. it had been a while now, that Kunhang (and the rest of their friends) had noticed a change in behaviour in Kun, nothing too serious though. it had started with a change in style, Ten would pester him about it, because Kun had started to replace his shirts with hoodies and long-sleeved shirts, he rarely dressed in front of them and there were days where he would show up wearing turtle necks… in the middle of the summer, like today. </p><p>“fuck it, Kun!” he exclaimed clearly angry, but not at Kun, never at Kun. nevertheless, Kun curled in on himself at the raise of voice. </p><p>“Dery,” Kun tried to speak. “it's nothing, really,” he smiled, calm and heavenly, it made Kunhang relax. “i'm fine. just promise me you won't say anything.” </p><p>“why would i promise that?” Kunhang backfired. “Kun, he's hurting you. that abusive bastard-” </p><p>“Kunhang,” he interrupted. “he's my boyfriend. i love him. you have nothing to worry about.” </p><p>Kunhang looked at him with wide open eyes and disbelief dripping down his face. it hurt Kun, honestly it had hurt Kun more than Beomseok's hands on him. </p><p>“don't look at me like that,” Kun asked. “don't ever look at me any differently, please. i can't stand it.”</p><p>Kunhang forced himself to breathe. he neared Kun and with wrath-trembling hands he took the sweater and slipped it past Kun's head and arms, until he had covered his naked torso again. Kunhang sighed, he leaned his forehead on Kun's shoulder, defeated. </p><p>“anything for you, gē.” </p><p>“thank you.” </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em>it all used to be free, Kunhang remembers</em>. </p><p>the first time that he had met Kun, it had been because of Ten inviting him over because he had felt weirdly attached to him. that had been during Ten and Kun's first year of college, when Kunhang still was in high school, freshly moved into this new city of which he ignored the language almost completely. it wasn't like Kunhang was a pessimist, he just felt too young to have been sent to a new country with his step brother that, with all the love of the world, was crazy as hell. it didn't help that Ten's korean wasn't as good either, Kunhang could almost swear that he understood thai better than korean, good thing Ten had a good mandarin, that Kunhang had also helped him master, at the time he had learnt it too, leaving behind his mother tongue. </p><p>they were struggling back then. but, that's when Kun came in. </p><p>Kun was just a couple months older than Ten, which is why it was possible for them to meet, in one of those projects where their whole year joined together to prepare a performance as a final project, Kun had been the one in charge of producing the melody, while Ten choreographed it; they normally worked on that at school, but Ten had fell in love with Kun's gentle and dependable personality, <em>he is too fun to tease!,</em> he had once said. </p><p>so it had become common to see Kun at his place, Kunhang didn't see him much, but the first time they met, Kunhang being a happy virus, he had greeted with all his might in the best korean he could muster, earning a pretty, pretty smile from Kun that had made his teenager heart flip inside his ribcage. </p><p>“he's my brother,” Ten said, in a more confident korean that Kunhang found strange. “he's from macau.” </p><p>“ah,” Kun exclaimed. “so, would you feel more comfortable if we spoke in chinese?” he asked, switching to mandarin with no major flaw. Kunhang blinked and unconsciously, like a bewitched kid, he nodded happily. </p><p>“my name is Kunhang,” he said after he snapped out of his embarrassing trance. </p><p>“i'm Kun,” the eldest replied. “pretty similar, huh?” </p><p>“you can call him Hendery,” Ten interrumpted, “for some reason we manage better with nicknames here.” </p><p>Kun nodded. “okay then, Dery.” </p><p>from then on, it really was just fun, because Kun had offered to help him out with his korean, to which he immediately agreed, improving slowly but surely every single day. and after some weeks, Kun had come up with an invitation. </p><p>“you speak cantonese, don't you?” he had asked. </p><p>“i do,” he nodded. “why?” </p><p>“i have a couple kids i tutor, they're in the same year as you, they moved here recently too,” he explained as he poured the soup into a bowl, Ten was singing to the top of his lungs as he set the table under Kun's order. “i'm sure they would love a new friend that understands their dialect.” </p><p>and so, Kun invited both of them, Ten and himself, over his flat, with Ten dragging along with him a new “friend” he had made, Kunhang would better call him “acquisition” though, his name was Sicheng, better known as Winwin. there, in Kun's house, he met three of his now-best-friends, like Ten and him, two of them identified themselves with nicknames, these being Lucas and Xiaojun, and there was also one last person, his name being Yangyang. Kunhang had had to cover his ears as soon as he heard Ten call the youngest by the pet name of <em>bǎobèi</em>, he was scared of his step brother, and he had been right, because even now, four years later, Ten babied Yangyang as if he had actually given birth to him. </p><p>it had been easy to feel confident with his new friend group, especially because Kun was always there for them, bickering and frowning at them when he was being teased, but letting them do pretty much whatever they wanted. it was his food they all craved the most, it was his guidance which they followed, and it was his help that they seeked. </p><p>Kun used to be a bright soul. not that he ever stopped being it, he was still the purest soul he had ever known, but his glow was overshadowed at some point. </p><p>it started with a small change in look, none of them paid a lot of attention, other than teasing him because he looked even more old-fashioned than he sometimes did. </p><p>Kunhang knew, that out of all his friends, he was whipped for Kun-gē the most, so it came as no surprise when he was the only one that started to notice Kun's anxious antics, playing with his own fingers, grabbing at his wrist, pulling at the fabric at the nape of his turtleneck sweaters. </p><p><em>“isn't it too hot, gē?”</em> he would ask, Kun would jump in response and quickly deny it. </p><p>
  <em>“no, it's just perfect.” </em>
</p><p>Ten and him felt him drift apart first, because he had stopped visiting them as often as before, the excuse? <em>Beomseok wants to watch a movie, i'm going out with my boyfriend, i'm baking some cookies for Seok, Beomseok cannot pick me up and he says it's too dangerous to stay till late… Beomseok, Beomseok, Beomseok.</em> Kunhang had to frequently shake his head to get it to clear. </p><p>now, whenever he stopped by Kun's locker to talk to him, he had to endure <em>Beomseok</em> standing a few feet away, keeping an eye on them, they all had to wait until Kun gave them heads up to spend some time together, and they — Kunhang, especially — had to keep their hands to themselves, having experienced Kun bolting away from their touches, jumping when one of them dared breathe to close to him, raising his hands to stop them from coming closer as he desperately looked both sides of the school hallways in search of <em>something</em>. </p><p>
  <em>it all used to be free, Kunhang remembers. </em>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>mixing in a little bit of both his points of view, still keeping on a third-person omniscient narrator, the purpose is to start introducing onto the story the way Hendery sees Kun.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>so i edited this <a href="https://tenactwayv.tumblr.com/post/638780753331847168/maybe-i-needed-that-somebody-else-could-cry-over">aesthetic</a> for you to see, it's over the initial notes of the ffic too, just for you to see what it is that i think would suit the vibes.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>sunday, and a good day to just stay in bed all day. but Kun had already been in bed far too long, with heavy limbs refusing to cooperate with him, unable to leave the bed he didn't want to be in, because it was big and cold and alone, only dressed in the remnants of the night before. </p><p>Kun felt like vomiting. </p><p>he urged himself out of the bed, as best as he could handle his sore body. he undressed his mattress and set the washing machine going to eliminate all trace. he then took a shower, only stopping by the mirror to look at himself. luckily his face was mostly intact, except for that one bruise on his lower lip that he could easily relate to an accident. </p><p>he turned around, too sick of the image of his own body. it was just that. Kun knew if Beomseok did this to him, it was for a reason. </p><p>
  <em>“you look best like this. all covered in bruises. so that no one else can know how you look, but me.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>did he really look better this way, though? </em>
</p><p>he stepped under the water, letting the warm stream carry all the sweat and drool and semen away. he carefully washed his hair, then his shoulders and his chest, all covered in bites, his arms marked with fingerprints due to the force Beomseok had taken him with. there was that one (the largest and ugliest) bruise on his side, made by Beomseok's boot at his refusal, and one more of similar appearance on his leg, where he had hit himself with the sharp corner of the table while trying to step back. the rest of his legs and thighs, and also waist and hips, were just covered in rough marks, not by a beating this time, and for that Kun was relieved. </p><p>he finished his shower and changed into comfortable clothes, covering every inch of his skin and slipping a beanie on his head, that he then covered with the cap of his hoodie. </p><p>he didn't eat, he didn't feel like he could stomach anything, so he didn't have anything to do, other than tremble in the solitude of his apartment. had he not refused Ten invite to go out last night, he would probably have found himself tangled under warm blankets and his best friend's limbs tangled with his. </p><p>
  <em>“i'll be for you when you wake up.” </em>
</p><p>it was all too much for Kun to handle. Beomseok hit him, of course; he had been rough with him during sex before, sure; but he had never taken him by force the way he had the night before, it was only natural Kun felt threatened. </p><p>so he grabbed his phone and wallet, and the keys to Ten and Kunhang's dorm and left, calm enough because he knew Beomseok wouldn't be stepping by any time soon, probably at dusk, and by then Kun would be returning with his groceries, so that his boyfriend didn't suspect anything. </p><p>the uber left him in front of the building, and he immediately ran inside, the guard was already familiar enough to let him in without question, just waving his hand in his direction.</p><p>once inside the lift, Kun felt too self-conscious again, with mirrors upon mirrors surrounding him. <em>what would Kunhang say?</em> he trembled and lifted his hands to grab the hem of his hoodie and try to cover himself some more. <em>he's already seen me, i can trust him. </em></p><p>he didn't bother knocking the door, he just grabbed the keys and made himself as comfortable as he could. </p><p>“Dery?” he asked out loud. </p><p>“Kun-gē?” he heard the impact of a bowl in the sink, he walked there to find his younger friend doing the dishes. “shit,” he cursed. “it's slippery.” </p><p>Kun smiled despite the stinging in his lip. Kunhang stopped his movements by then. </p><p>“what the hell happened?” another loud thud of a plate falling to the metal sink was heard, and next thing, Kunhang was drying his hands hurriedly on a dry cloth to walk around the kitchen bar and fly to Kun. “this wasn't here before,” he pointed at Kun's lip. </p><p>“i know,” Kun closed his eyes, as if Kunhang's words and eyes were the most painful thing ever. “but it's fine.” </p><p>“no,” Kunhang growled. “it is not fine.”</p><p>Kun shut his eyes tight again and lowered his head, Kunhang rapidly blinked at the gesture and hurried to place soothing hands on Kun's elbows. </p><p>“where's Ten?” Kun asked. </p><p>“he's at Sicheng's,” Kunhang replied. “he won't be back till six,” he informed. “or that's what he said.” </p><p>Kun nodded. “okay,” for a couple minutes neither of them said anything, Kun spoke again. “can we sit?” </p><p>“yes, of course.” </p><p>they sat on opposite ends of the small dining table, Kun immediately shrinking his tiny form at Kunhang's dancing eyes. </p><p>“why…” </p><p>“i asked him if i could go out with Ten,” Kun took the lead. “he got angry because he asked me before to stay in with him and i completely understand, i forgot that i had promised to stay with him-” </p><p>“gē,” Kunhang's voice came out low. “that's no reason to get angry and even if it was, he shouldn't have reacted that way.” </p><p>Kun shifted uncomfortably in his chair, because by <em>that way</em> Kunhang didn't really know what he was referring to. he let it slip. </p><p>“it is okay,” Kun insisted. “i should have remembered, i know he doesn't like it when i go out, but he still lets me from time to time, yesterday was entirely my fault.” </p><p>in Kunhang's head it was easy, easy to just see the wrong and stand for himself, or that's what he wanted to believe had he been in Kun's position, that's why he didn't think before letting caring words, poisonous sounding, out of his mouth. </p><p>“why do you let him do that?” </p><p>Kun shivered at the question, refusing now completely to look at Kunhang. <em>why did he do it?</em> it was out of love, <em>right?</em> </p><p>no answer came. </p><p>“Kun,” Kunhang warned. “you need to do something about it.” </p><p>Kun only stared at his shaking hands, not daring lift his face, not trusting himself enough to face his friend. he shook his head erratically. </p><p>“i don't want to leave him,” his voice was raspy and slightly choppy, like he wanted to cry but didn't allow himself to actually do it. “Kunhang, i do love him. and he's been with me for so long, he's all i've ever known.” </p><p>as much as Kunhang tried to understand the way Kun's mind worked, he knew he could never do it. for some strange and twisted reason the eldest refused to see all the bad in Beomseok, or perhaps he was indeed unable to see it. the only thing he could understand, ever since he first met Kun through Ten, was that Kun is a pure, untouched soul, always willing to see the good in others, feeling eager to help. so Kunhang softened his expression and sighed, it must be hard for Kun to be trapped between what his boyfriend tells him and what Kunhang tries to plead him. </p><p>“i can't harm him,” he continued shaking his head, unwilling. “he's worked so hard to get where he is, he's about to be accepted as an intern, i can't say anything and ruin his reputation and risk him getting kicked out of college,” he started crying, Kunhang's heart clenched painfully at the sight. “<em>i can't, i can't.</em>” </p><p>Kun breathed heavily in between sobs, as Kunhang fought hard not to run and envelop him with his arms. </p><p>“i'm not telling you to file a complaint, Kun,” he took Kun's hands between his and he felt his heart drop at the way Kun tensed and slightly jerked away at the touch. “please, Kun. just leave him. it's the only thing i ask of you.” </p><p>“if i ever leave him he's going to hate me so much, i can't have him hate me. and he'll want to hurt all of you, i cannot let you take what i deserve, he only ever gives me what i deserve, i really can't complain. <em>it's better to be the one hurting, than to be the one hurting others</em>. i won't hurt him, and i won't let him hurt anyone else.” </p><p>Kunhang closed his eyes hard enough, he saw light dots behind his eyelids. then, he inhaled deeply. </p><p><em>such a noble heart. so painfully good and gentle</em>. </p><p>Kunhang let his head fall lifelessly to the front. he couldn't force Kun to do something he didn't want to, he couldn't force him to go against himself. not now, at least. with time, perhaps. </p><p>“alright,” Kunhang gave in. “i won't force you. just know i'll be here, and the moment i see you hurt yourself too much, i will not hesitate to interfere.”</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Kun was rather comfortable with routine, not that he was afraid of change, quite the opposite, he actually loved and embraced an adaptation process, something he had done with Kunhang as soon as his younger friend had found out, call it whatever you like, but he probably felt like he could take a heavy load off his shoulders or a painful pressure off his chest. it was difficult to allow him to come closer, not because he didn't want to, but because Beomseok was often near, and it would be so dangerous to be even as close as five metres to Kunhang. fortunately, things with Beomseok had come to be quite calm, and within three slow weeks, Kun had been able to invite Kunhang to his place, or go to his and Ten's, not daring go and party or just hang out wherever as he did before, just because he didn't want to risk anyone else knowing, having Kunhang know along with his support was more than enough. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>they fell into a routine after some days, a warm feeling that Kun had learnt to appreciate. at first, he felt as if Kunhang had been an intruder, because it had been him and Beomseok for a while, in this deep relationship that was only known for the two of them, having his friend question his doings, or beg him to do something Kun didn't necessarily see as bad, was threatening to him, but as he laid alone on his cold bed late at night, he realised he could feel a tingly sensation starting on his belly, going up to his chest and then throat, where he would feel a painless tightness around his throat, until the tingling reached his eyes, unfolding and later falling like crystalline waterfalls that shone under the light, a bright rainbow mirage. those times when he cried, it wasn't because of pain, or because of fear, or because of reprimanding or forcing himself to be better, to be and give what Beomseok deserved. no. those nights he cried because his heart felt so incredibly full of love, wanting to go to Kunhang more often than not, but also stopping himself because he knew it was not safe and because he felt like he wasn't good enough to make Kunhang lose his time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>still, Kun found himself going to his friend, in the mornings when Beomseok left his flat and Kun knew he wouldn't be coming back until the night, or, most likely, a couple of days later, when he wasn't busy with school work. he also liked to visit Kunhang during chilly nights, after receiving a text from his boyfriend saying he would go out with his friends, Kun knew by heart that those nights Beomseok wouldn't even look for him, but it was okay, because Kun was patient and respectful, and he had no problem with waiting and letting Beomseok have fun, recently, he also took it as the opportunity to crash the night with Ten and Kunhang, watching movies and cooking for them, sitting down in the living room with the cute little cats that they had adopted recently, enjoying the way Ten would make them turn and greet with their paws. at midnight, Kun would just fall asleep on the shoulder of the nearest brother, but in the morning, when he woke up, he would always be in Kunhang's bed, with Kunhang's warm body next to his. he found out it was a nice feeling, one he hadn't felt in a long time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>routine was nice, Kun thought. routine with Kunhang was better. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“i'll be real quick,” Kun heard Kunhang tell him as he dragged him by his wrist to the side and behind the row of lockers, this kind of interactions made Kun terrified to say the least, but Kunhang knew and he tried to limit them as much as he could, or be quick and announce his intentions beforehand to avoid any misunderstanding, right before going to Kun, Kunhang had actually checked the entire halls surrounding them to confirm Kun's boyfriend wasn't there, and even when he was positive they were safe, he assured Kun he wouldn't take long, which made Kun let him pull his body without tension. “tell me if there's green light tonight, the episodes of this new series have come out and i'm buying your favourite snacks, because i noticed the last time you were out of cookies and that's a sin,” well, it was because Beomseok had told him he needed to lose weight, and Beomseok only ever told him the truth, so he had stopped stocking his drawer with sweets, even though he was well known for munching on small quantities of food quite often, “anyways,” Kunhang continued talking, “we're watching them and i'm feeding you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kun arched an eyebrow, amused because Kunhang had gotten the habit of auto inviting himself over, Kun had to double check everything every time, because if something ever came out wrong, Beomseok could hurt Kunhang and also the rest of his friends. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“also, i need help with an arrangement,” Kunhang admitted, looking down. “you have a keyboard at home and you know better than anyone about piano accompaniment.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kun smiled at him and gently pulled his hand away from Kunhang's, since he hadn't let it go. “of course i'll help you, but i don't know if today he won't be around, i'll tell you later,” Kunhang nodded excitedly and with a quick move of his hand and sparkly eyes, he turned around and walked away, down the hall to his next class. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beomseok wasn't around a lot, because he had a heavy load of work, and that just happened to be convenient for Kun most of the times, like that day, Kun had been able to call Kunhang after his last lecture to tell him he could totally watch those episodes with him, and during the following days he could also help him with his composition, flooding his lonely flat with musical notes, the sounds bouncing on his white walls creating a pleasant echo that only enhanced his voice when Kunhang asked him to sing for him, those were happy times, something that Kun wanted to live everyday, but his piano was left untouched more often than not when he was alone or with Beomseok, everything was silent like his life then, and Kun craved music and noise, the kind Kunhang always had surrounding him, the one he brought to Kun without even knowing it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>but Kun didn't feel warmth all the time. there were those cold hours, especially at night or early in the morning, when Kun felt sadness triggered by his boyfriend's absence, something he felt ever since they started dating, having come used to his body and presence, but with him being gone most days lately, Kun's little body shook in violent motions as he cried, because probably Beomseok didn't want him anymore and then what would Kun do? he wondered if it was really true that Beomseok was busy, he sometimes wanted to push everyone away so that he could call his boyfriend and tell him he was cooking for him, waiting for him to come and fall into bed, or to just take him out like a pretty trophy like he did before, Kun could stay quiet, he wanted to tell him, </span>
  <em>
    <span>i can be your pretty doll, i won't speak and i will only do what you want me to do</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he could bear being with Beomseok's friends while his boyfriend had fun, carrying Kun around like he was just an exhibition thing, Kun could bear the boredom, but he just wanted to be with Beomseok so badly at times. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>what he craved would come and Beomseok would knock on his door around ten at night, if he was on a good mood, then Kun would most likely only be forced to cook something despite being so late, being late carried and manhandled to rest on top of Beomseok as he told Kun everything he wanted, Kun couldn't share how his day had been, because when he tried to, Beomseok was already asleep. some other days, though, things would be entirely different, with his body sore and disheveled clothes whenever Beomseok found him texting someone or doing something and not paying attention to him, forcing Kun to stop working on his projects and so Kun had such a hard time in his classes, staying up till late to make up for the lost time, and having to exhaust himself by lending his body to Beomseok and his studies, forgetting about himself. Kunhang would, of course, notice this right away, and he tried to help by finding ways of leaving coffee cups to Kun, prepared just the exact way Kun liked, by buying him food or by giving him time and space and his arms for Kun to fall in, feeling Kun's extremely weak and spent body, Kunhang didn't even have to look at Kun's skin to know that below his soft layers of clothes, there would be bruises of a — worrying, disgusting — <em>sickenly</em> beautiful, outstanding colour and shades that only Kun's body could produce. they were dangerous, and they should be ugly, but they were on Kun's skin, and everything about Kun was lovely. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kun fell and Kunhang helped him on his feet. Kun was stable and Kunhang held tight to keep him still. it was a worrying routine, but Kun liked routine and he liked routine with Kunhang best. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>ever since i recovered from covid my boss has been exploding me with so much work, i can barely find time to sleep, i'm 90% coffee and cigarettes, 10% eyebags no joke. i still intend on uploading at least 2 more chapters, let's see if i can without dying haha<br/>i always appreciate your comments</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i really don't like leaving notes at the beginning, but this time it's necessary.<br/>this chapter contains rape and violence elements, the violence and descriptions of body injuries have been mentioned, pretty much, in every chapter, but this rape scene is new, it's really not THAT explicit, but the intention is there and it will be mentioned in future chapters, so i wanted to warn you, if you don't like this sensitive topic, you can totally skip, or read under your own risk.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“you tell me when you're inside your dorm,” Kunhang told him through the phone, that was digging uncomfortably in his ear due to the way it was being held between his lifted shoulder and tilted head, his warm cheek completely against the screen, it could have left disgusting face residues all over the shiny thing if the day had been hotter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kun was rummaging inside his rucksack, moving his laptop and a notebook aside to find his keys tangled with the charger. “i am already here,” he said, shaking the keys near the phone mic for Kunhang to hear. “happy now?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“very, but i want to hear you closing the door to know you're fully safe.” Kun rolled his eyes at the response as he opened the door, stepping inside. “also, thank you again for helping me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“no problem, i can try to think of something else and then i'll tell you my ideas, i have a copy of the arrangement, i can come up with some lyrics for you,” Kun closed the door still with the phone between his shoulder and ear, holding it better once his right hand was free. “i'll talk to you later, it was nice helping you out.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he hung up and he left his bag on the rack he had near the door, the best thing he could come up with not to forget his things in the morning when he was in a rush, it was just on his way outside and easy for Kun to extend his arm really quick to grab it and run. he, then, took off his coat, shaking his body to accommodate the jumper he was wearing underneath the jacket, and as he turned on his heels, he saw Beomseok waiting for him. Kun was no cat, but he still felt the skin of his nape and back bristle at that. he still smiled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“hi,” he greeted, contracting a little into himself, in that way that made him look smaller, hoping Beomseok would accept him. “you didn't tell me you were coming, but it's good you're here, because i baked your favourite cake yesterday! do you want to taste it?” he rushed towards him, still walking cautiously, to have enough time to decipher Beomseok's mood. it was not a good one, he noticed, judging by the way Beomseok did not move to receive him and the sharp eyes on him. “babe?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>something rumbled and Kun swore it could have been mistaken with a growl or a very deep purring, but it was threatening, it didn't feel like the pleasing vibration felines emitted, it felt like the one grunt canines used before attacking, it had made Kun shrink, but he still took a very tiny step forward, and that's when Beomseok attacked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kun was sent backwards by a rough fist landing on his cheekbone, his first instinct was to cover his face with his hands, which in turn left perfect access for Beomseok to kick straight to his gut, since Kun's hands weren't anywhere near his legs, the way they should have been hanging if they were resting at his sides, he fell on his butt and his back hit the side of the couch. he wanted to speak, he wanted to complain, but no sound came out, because he was used to it now and he really didn't want to anger Beomseok more than he already was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“why weren't you here when i arrived?!” he was standing before Kun, Kun had to lift his face to have a good look at his face, because his expensive jeans were not soothing enough. Beomseok's face was not twisted in anger as one would like to imagine, it was calm, but his calmness was far from nice to many people, mainly because he was handsome in a serious way, tough and sharp. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“i was doing a project,” Kun answered, his hands were now resting on the floor next to him. “i'm sorry i didn't say, i was really quick and i didn't think you were coming today.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kun genuinely thought there was no problem in that, but to Beomseok it had been going out without consent or permission, and having looked at him talking over the phone to another man was the last thing that pushed his anger out. “i don't fucking care about what you were doing, the only thing i ever ask is for you to tell me where the hell you're going! were you with another man?” the answer would be </span>
  <em>
    <span>yes</span>
  </em>
  <span>, if you stuck to the literal question, the way Kun did. Beomseok lifted his left hand, preparing to land a blow wherever he could. “how you dare to go to another man when you have me?!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>the blow pushed Kun's fragile body to the side, where his open palms sounded against the floor when he stopped his torso from landing on the hard surface. he hurried to look to the side to try to explain. “i didn't! i swear i didn't! i was with someone else only for this project, i would never cheat on you, i love you!” that last part seemed to be enough to fuel his ego, but also his wrath, which unfolded in a series of shoves, scratches, kicks. the pain was familiar, and Kun really couldn't find it in himself to complain, the floor was sometimes warmer than his bed, and the hardness of it made him, at least, feel something, as Beomseok's temper did, it was like his body was on flames whenever this happened, and although it was not a good warmth, his body in flames was better than being cold. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“how many times must i tell you that wherever you go, you have to tell me!” Beomseok bent down to grab Kun like a mere weightless feather and pull him to his level. “and if i don't approve, then you don't go!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kun went lax on his hold, his eyelids felt heavy, but he was still looking up at him with adoration, tracing the thick line of Beomseok's eyebrows with his stare, studying his moles and appreciating his presence. Beomseok was right. If Kun loved him he should not see any other man behind his back. Kun was sorry. Beomseok was right. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“i'm sorry,” Kun mumbled, letting his head fall to the front, seeking to be closer to Beomseok's neck to hide there, but he was shaken and held away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“no,” he replied, shaking his head and looking at him with desdain. “no, you're not. i guess i have to teach you not to see or go to anyone else, how you will always belong to me!” he downright growled the last part, picking Kun's body up and throwing him into the couch, crawling to Kun immediately after, hovering over him and kissing him straight on the mouth in such an aggressive passion, their teeth clacked, and Kun's bottom lip hurt with the force Beomseok was sucking it, biting down on it and desperately tearing every piece of clothing apart. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“wait,” Kun tried to say, not really pulling away but turning his head to the side to keep Beomseok from kissing him. “not right now, </span>
  <em>
    <span>please</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” he breathed, struggling to grab Beomseok's hands to stop his movements. “i'm tired and i have to do-” he had to stop speaking in order to squeal at the way Beomseok grabbed both his hands and yanked them up, making the junction of Kun's arms, shoulders and torso ache. he tried to move, but Beomseok was much taller and broader than him, it was a losing battle and he was only hurting his wrists, and he was also sure his legs would hurt so much due to the effort he put into closing them, only for the inside of his thighs to collide against Beomseok's sides, exerting a tiring pressure that reminisced the soreness that one gym machine left after a routine. “Beomseok…” he whispered, letting him lick into his mouth, because Kun had already stopped kissing him back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>his hands were free but Kun didn't even feel it, too engrossed in the rough marks Beomseok had left and continued to leave all over his body, everything hurt so much, Kun didn't want to move anymore. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“you will fucking take everything i give you and maybe you'll think twice next time before whoring around,” he pushed Kun to the floor, the impact of naked skin against the laminate made a loud sound that sounded painful, but it didn't make Kun complain, nor did he try to pull himself up, that Beomseok himself had to do, by circling Kun's thin neck with his callous hand until Kun was on his knees with not even a cushion to soften the weight of his body on his bones. Kun saw Beomseok's dick right in front of his face, always looking attractive between the hard defined lines of his abs, but right then, when Kun wanted nothing to do with sex, it looked menacing, warning even. Beomseok didn't care about any of that, though, and he roughly pushed Kun's head towards his groin, forcing him to suck around his length, to take every movement and fight back his gag reflex everytime the head hit the back of Kun's throat. Kun cried, because the sting in the corner of his eyes due to the constant assault needed some relief, but this crying was numbing, it wasn't the physical sensation what had him feeling pain in his chest, it was the way Beomseok refused to listen to his cries in a way he had never done before, using his body for pleasure in such a disgusting way, Kun really wanted to just fall and allow him to hit him as much as he wanted if that meant Beomseok wouldn't do </span>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kun's entire body was deep red at this point, and his face was so messed up, it didn't look like him at all, because that empty stare wasn't like Kun at all. when Beomseok tossed him onto the sofa again, Kun didn't even flinch, but his entire body was trembling and it was difficult to keep himself on his elbows and knees for Beomseok to take with no previous preparation, not even a slick slide, as the head of Beomseok's dick pressed inside, Kun felt himself being torn apart, all his muscles were tense and the sharp pain was too much, he had to let out some of it in the screams he vocalised, the harsh bite down his own forearm, the constant tears falling down his cheeks. everything burned so much, he was sure he'll combust until all of him was consumed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“this is what whores like you deserve,” Beomseok said, but Kun did not register, too blinded by the way Beomseok's fingers digged in the flesh of his hips, too focused on forcing himself to take everything, even when his entire body was screaming rejection. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he does not remember finishing, but that's probably because he never did. he doesn't remember Beomseok leaving either, nor what exactly happened after, his body was so spent and he just wanted to cry and sleep, he just went numb. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>also :) next chapter you will be seeing hendery and a really beautiful kundery interaction to make up for the absence in this one</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>they were performing at the schools theatre to raise funds and get extra points if necessary, Kun knew there would also be critics and potential headhunters and absolutely no one could let this opportunity go, hence why Kun pulled himself together the day after, dressing in big, comfortable clothes, and applying makeup where necessary to cover up any bruise, forcing himself not to wince when the frame of his glasses pressed a little too hard on his sore cheekbone, or when the roughness of the fabric rubbed against his skin; he went and continued to prepare for the performance that was to take place in three days until the day eventually came and he was vibrating backstage. </p><p>everyone was dressing different set of clothes, of different colours and for different reasons, while Kun was wearing a very elegant red suit, it was plain and simple, except for the shade, and the makeup on his face was light, he had never been one to be striking the way, for example, Ten was. his friend was dressing very shiny black and silver clothes, with chains and showing off his chest, his makeup also was flamboyant like Ten himself. the different styles for everyone were also because of the pieces they were performing, Kun had decided to not do dancing this time, not that he didn't like it, but he had always preferred instruments, especially piano, and that evening he was playing a very special melody composed by himself. </p><p>it wasn't all the school participating, though. the juniors were just there as part of the crew, they had had to pay attention for future years and some of them were allowed to be backup. Kunhang and the rest of his friends weren't participating, except for Sicheng, he did have a very beautiful contemporary solo that Kun was looking forward to. Beomseok wasn't part of it either, but he was there because he had been the producer of a couple songs, and he was also meant to be watching Kun perform from his place in the crowd. </p><p>events like these were always magical to Kun, from the flurry of excitement when everyone was getting ready and helping each other, to warming up in small movable bars offstage, finding people stretching in the halls, singing in the rooms, laughing in the dressing rooms; it all was a swirl of warm air inside Kun's chest. and the way he could stand behind the curtains, very hidden, watching every performance before and after his, seeing the bodies move and blend, as if they were floating, fluid, easy, but knowing very well that it was all the opposite, difficult, systematic at times, falling down on the floor at rehearsals; it was al truly elvish. and the nervousness and thrill Kun felt when it was his turn, stepping into the stage and being blinded by the lights, not having enough time to look for anyone sitting in the crowd, immediately bowing before taking his place in front of a very expensive black piano that contrasted harmoniously with his red suit, and then starting to play, feeling his fingers slip and dance on the keys, the same way a body would on the stage, knowing the melody by heart and feeling every nite vibrate in his ears and chest. Kun should have been magical when there, when he did what he loved, glowing so bright, he really didn't need the lights to shine, and the horde of applause that followed made his ears go deaf and his heart swell so much. but that was what he deserved, only admiration and never less. </p><p>admiration is what he received when he went backstage again, finding himself with Ten's arms wrapped around him as he cheered and told him how proud he was. “if you didn't have a boyfriend,” Ten said, “i'll definitely be having you against that wall no joke, you look amazing and you were even better!” Kun had to blush at that, of course, still feeling panicked because if Beomseok was here it would soon turn awful. as he slipped away from Ten, he saw Kunhang holding a big bouquet of lilies and roses for him. </p><p>“Dery,” he spoke. “you shouldn't have,” but the smile that painted Kun's face only told Kunhang that he had to buy an entire flower shop only to see him as happy as right then. Kun scanned the entire place quickly, his eyes dancing on the bunch of people moving around, making sure Beomseok wasn't there. Kunhang saw this and took his arm to lead him to his dressing room. </p><p>“don't worry, this day is especial,” Kun set the flowers on his part of the vanity table as Kunhang observed him through the reflection in the mirror. “anyone could give you flowers and it shouldn't be misunderstood.” Kun nodded because it was true and before he could reply Ten came looking for his brother. </p><p>“sorry, Kunnie” he said as he peeked his head through the door. “come, Hendery, i have to show you something,” and he left as fast as he had come. </p><p>Kunhang turned to Kun to shrug and mouth a soundless sorry, along with a hand gesture that indicated he wouldn't be long, before following Ten and leaving Kun alone. Kun sighed, dragging his eyes from the place Kunhang had been standing in previously and down to his feet, he moved them to turn his front towards the table, using the pads of his fingers to caress the soft petals of the flowers, feeling a subtle wave of affection run from his fingers and spreading through his entire body. </p><p>a strong sound made him jump in place and look through the reflection of the illuminated looking glass. he let go of the flowers when he saw Beomseok's tough outline right behind him, looking above his shoulder. </p><p>“hi,” Kun whispered, his rosy lips moved and his eyes blinked rapidly, showing off the smokey eyeshadow on his eyelids. he saw Beomseok direct his eyes to the bouquet. </p><p>“who gave them to you?” Kun turned on his heels to look at him, tilting his head up and looking so small, his voice failed. “who, Kun?” </p><p>he swallowed and tried to take Beomseok's hand as he replied, “another student,” he didn't break eye contact, knowing he had to be firm for his boyfriend to believe him, and he wasn't really lying, he just wasn't telling him the name. “everyone is receiving flowers today.” </p><p>Beomseok huffed as he smiled, amused and tired, he hadn't believed him, but then, he didn't believe anything at all lately and it made Kun's heart ache, because he really did everything for Beomseok, to make him happy and be worthy of him. </p><p>“come,” Beomseok uttered, turning around and walking outside. Kun followed him because, what else was he expected to do? but had he known Beomseok would lose his temper right there, he would have ran the opposite direction. they were in the school, for god's sake, and the theatre was a crowded place, Kun didn't want Beomseok to be found, that's why he kept quiet when he was shoved inside the bathroom, hitting his side with the corner of the sink, curling his torso in a useless attempt to soothe the pain. “i am so tired of you being a fucking whore!” he spat as he grabbed Kun's hair so hard it stung and it made his eyes water. </p><p>“Beomseok, please,” he cried, extending his hands to touch him and try to calm him down. “not here, please. i know i deserve it-” </p><p>“of course you fucking do!” and Kun landed on the floor, receiving punch after punch. </p><p>“yes!” he agreed, desperate to stop him, anyone could come in and Beomseok would be in so much trouble, Kun didn't want that, he only ever wanted what was best for him. “i totally do! but please, don't do it here, do it at home, pl-” </p><p>the door burst open and Kun tried to stand up as fast as he could, looking through teary eyes the way Kunhang came in shoving Beomseok to the side despite their side difference, Kun could see then, Sicheng coming in being Kunhang with a confused and concerned expression on his face, but not really needing to question anything to know Kun was on the floor and that Beomseok had attacked Kunhang in response. Kun ran towards them, trying to get in between to separate them, scared of Kunhang getting hurt, he just wanted to take Beomseok home and help him calm down. </p><p>more people came storming in, Ten followed by Yangyang and Yukhei, some security guards and teachers, and Kun had to grip Beomseok's arm so tight because he didn't want to let go, but he could barely understand what was happening and it was so easy for someone to pull him away as he saw how his boyfriend was restrained. </p><p>“no!” he screamed, going limp in the arms of whoever was holding him. </p><p>it had all happened so fast, he was not given the time to process, but he knew the performance couldn't stop, so everything was handled quietly and Kun was taken home by Kunhang. </p><p>-</p><p>as soon as Kunhang closed the door, Kun sniffled softly before letting himself fall with a loud thud of his knees crashing on the floor. Kunhang was quick to run and let himself fall next to Kun's crying body, who jerked violently with each loud sob. it was so distressing, it would make anyone's skin bristle at the sound. </p><p>“Kun,” the younger pleaded. “please, tell me what to do to make it better.” </p><p>Kun kept on crying, shaking ever so slightly and hiccuping because of how much tears he had shred, and Kunhang stood there through it all, next to him, troubled because he really didn't know what to do, except to hug his friend, and rub a warm hand along his back and through his soft hair. </p><p>“it's over for him,” Kun spoke, voice trembling and scared. “i've ruined it for him.” </p><p>Kunhang couldn't help but marvel at the way Kun let out his thoughts, that despite Kun having been the one hurt, he still had it in him to take the blow, blame himself and sound desperate for his ex-boyfriend. </p><p>“you haven't ruined anything,” Kunhang said, his trimmed nails scraping Kun's scalp. “he ruined it himself, he should have known the truth would come out sooner or later.” </p><p>Kun made himself smaller, he looked so helpless, Kunhang's heart pained at the sight. </p><p>“c'mon, Kun-gē,” he stood up and ducked to place his hands under Kun's armpits to lift him up. this time, Kun let him. “let's clean you up, yeah?” </p><p>Kun's eyes landed on Kunhang, scared and doubtful and hurt, but he's Kun, and underneath, Kunhang could still appreciate an undertone of happiness and trust, to which he clung to drag Kun up, up, up, and take him out of that dark hole. </p><p>“yeah,” Kun whispered. </p><p>and so, Kunhang led him to the bathroom, he closed the door behind them and walked towards the shower, because Kun's flat was small and modest, just with what he strictly needed, so there was no bathtub to use, he resorted to using the fake rain. as the water tempered, Kun examined each and every one of his younger friend's movements, finding only safety within his aura, that's why he let himself be undressed by him, without complaining when Kunhang silently asked for permission, and feeling very comfortable when Kunhang himself took off his own clothes to step into the water stream with him. </p><p>there were bruises covering his white skin, the older ones looking green-ish as they were finally healing, some (most of them) looking big and purple, some others blue, the ones from today were red still, not fully blossomed yet. there were also angry red scratches and scrapes, on Kun's knees and elbows and on his palms. there was also a large bruise forming on his cheekbone, as well as an open wound on the sharp edge of Kun's brow bone, fresh and irritated, that Kunhang was able to appreciate better when he got to cup Kun's face with his hand, running a gentle thumb over the soft skin. he placed his forehead on top of Kun's. </p><p>“can i touch you?” he asked, immediately feeling Kun tense. “only to wash you up,” he hurried to explain, taking a step back and lifting his hands as a criminal caught by a cop. “i promise.”</p><p>water was running down their bodies, and it mixed with both their tears, because Kunhang ended up crying as he watched Kun's injured body, still looking as stunning, because sad things were beautiful too. </p><p>Kun opened his eyes, droplets of water were sticking to his eyelashes and the heat of the vapour was making his skin flush prettily. </p><p>“yes,” he answered at last, reaching out a hand to take Kunhang's and lower it down. “yes, you can touch me.” </p><p>and Kunhang did exactly what he said he would. taking the soap between his hands and rubbing it on the soft sponge to create foam and scrub all of Kun's sorrow away, he cleaned the wounds and treated him so delicately as not to make the bruises sting. he then spurt shampoo on his palm and massaged Kun's scalp in a relaxing manner, he was sure he was doing it all the other way around, Kun seemed to start always with the shampoo and then move onto his body, as opposed to himself, who really didn't care about the order, there was no way he knew for sure, but Kun didn't complain and he found Kun's peacefulness the happiest thing in the world. </p><p>when he finished, he placed his hesitant arms and hands around Kun's waist, hugging him from behind, softly and lovingly, and when Kun didn't say anything, Kunhang placed his forehead on Kun's naked shoulder. they both sighed. </p><p>“i'm sorry,” Kunhang mouthed. </p><p>“for what?” his voice was stable now, and the hand that caressed the back of Kunhang's arm felt soothing now. </p><p>“for not being there for you before,” his hug tightened. Kun turned around in his arms. </p><p>“hey,” he whispered. “i'm fine,” he assured. “you've always been there for me, and you're here now, you have made me feel so good.” </p><p>relaxed, calm and at peace. Kun's body hadn't allowed itself to feel that way in so long, as soon as Kunhang had placed his sweet hands on him, Kun had come undone. </p><p>“let's get you to bed,” Kunhang moved away to turn off the shower and he then dried Kun off with a white fluffy towel, doing the same with himself afterwards. </p><p>Kun didn't feel like doing anything on his own accord, content with letting himself be guided by his friend. they stepped into the room, where Kun let himself fall onto the duvet, still naked, bruises on display.</p><p>Kunhang opened Kun's closet to take out the first aid kit he knew the older kept there. </p><p>“don't fall asleep,” Kunhang warned as he turned around, looking at Kun's body jump at being caught. “i gotta put some ointment on your bruises,” he neared the bed. “hopefully they won't get too bad.” </p><p>he suddenly felt self-conscious, too aware of his naked body and wounded skin, he tried to curl in himself and cover with the towel. Kunhang tilted his head to the side, resembling a puppy. </p><p>“Kun,” the aforementioned lowered his head. “Kun i will never touch you without your consent and i will never force you to anything, nor will i harm you,” he dropped the kit on the edge of the bed. “i won't do it if you don't want me to.” </p><p>but Kun knew he had to do what Kunhang told him to do, he was bound to follow orders, wasn't he? Beomseok always knew what was best for him, or so he said. Kun had to let himself be touched and used if he was told to, and Kunhang was telling him to, so he had to, right? </p><p>“n-no,” he muttered. “it's fine. you may do whatever you want with me.” </p><p>Kunhang fell to his knees at the submissive response. he shook his head. </p><p>“no,” he said. “no. i am only going to do what you want me to do. you can bend me to your liking, Kun. but know, i would never do anything you don't tell me. and if you order me to stop, i'll stop; if you order me to go, i'll go.” </p><p>“what do you want to do?” </p><p>Kunhang lifted his face and look him in the eye. “love you,” he replied and Kun felt a shiver run down his spine. “i want to love you, only if you'll let me.” </p><p>love. </p><p>did Kun know love? he thought he did, but maybe Kunhang loved differently and there was no harm in wanting to feel it. </p><p>“you may,” he said. “go ahead. show me how you love.” </p><p>the younger nodded and with the caution of a cat, he left his spot on the floor and climbed onto the bed, slowly and steadily, until he came face to face with Kun, who was observing him, his eyes were very much open, his lips slightly parted and his wet hair stuck in every possible direction, while he grabbed the towel with his hands in front of his chest, barely covering his shoulders, and completely hiding his back and torso from view. Kunhang stopped before reaching out a hand shakily, doubtful. </p><p>“can i?” he asked, his white fingers looked delicate in that extending position that Kun had to let his eyes wander over them, following the line of his arm and until his chest, still dripping water from the shower. </p><p>Kun nodded, and he released the fabric between his fingers to allow Kunhang to take it away, leaving him bare. </p><p>“come,” Kunhang whispered, begged. “let me treat your wounds.” </p><p>and Kun crawled all the way towards Kunhang, who received him with open arms. he positioned Kun in front of him, so that he could see the hematomas fully. Kun felt the warm tip of his finger gently tracing the outline of his shoulder blades, the bumps of his back, and each bruise painting his skin, with such finesse, Kun almost didn't feel anything at all, it was calming, Kunhang's touch could have easily lulled him to sleep. he felt the ointment stick to his skin, but far from feeling disgusting, he felt cured, like it was some sort of holy water revitalising his being. </p><p>“turn around, please,” Kunhang's voice snapped him out of his trance, and he easily complied, letting himself be laid back on the padding with Kunhang's open palm pressing his chest. there were more bruises all over his torso, some along the line of his collarbone, that Kunhang outlined with his sticky finger, coating every inch of violet-ish skin. he then moved downwards, caressing the painful-looking deep purple patch over his left ribs, taking his time, taking the pain away. </p><p>it was when Kunhang arrived to Kun's waist and hips that he felt his serene façade slip away from him. he still touched the tender skin with the back of his hand, raising goosebumps all over Kun's skin, until he, finally, flipped his hands, to place them around the circumference, the shape of his fingers fitting perfectly the darkened silhouette of a handprint. Kun had his eyes closed, so he really didn't notice when Kunhang had stopped. </p><p>“Kun,” until Kunhang spoke, that is. low and sour. Kun snapped his eyes open at it. “tell me the truth.” he didn't ask for anything else, because he didn't want to feel the wrath that was already threatening with coming out. Kunhang dragged himself upwards, until he could place his forehead against Kun's, struggling to keep his breath even and peaceful. “did he ever touch you without your consent?” </p><p>Kun didn't push him away, nor did he draw away offhandedly like before. but Kunhang saw him close his eyes, and he felt him tremble under him, before he felt Kun's delicate hands grasp his shoulders with such force. </p><p>“i am so sorry,” Kun cried, his beautiful features contorting in pain, his head thrashed from one side to the other. “you shouldn't have to see me like this, not this horrible side of me.” </p><p>“love,” Kunhang shook his head too, taking one of Kun's hands and leading it to his lips to kiss the soft skin. “you're magnificent, with all these injuries covering your body, you're celestial. the most heavenly thing my mortal eyes have ever seen,” Kun stopped crying at full force. “that's it, angel. i don't care about that, the bruises on your skin look beautiful, and i'll make sure i nurture them back to health, until your equally perfect white skin is on display again,” there were wet traces on Kun's cheeks, but he was no longer sobbing, looking instead up at Kunhang with big, bright eyes. “what i can't stand is the thought of you being taken by force. Kun you're so precious, this body should be meant to be worshipped. to embrace someone who loves you as much as you love them,” Kunhang landed a soft kiss on Kun's temple. “let me love you. let me show you how it's done.” </p><p>Kun went limp under Kunhang's body as he let himself be covered in ointment on the back of his thighs, on his hip bone, his knees and shins. Kunhang didn't touch his naked pelvis at any time, and still, the tiny pleasure that Kun felt at having his body be worshipped like this was far better than anything he had ever felt. </p><p>Kunhang finished tending to his wounds by carefully cutting a tiny ribbon shaped piece of surgical tape that he placed on the opened flesh of Kun's eyebrow, after, he rubbed his thumb over Kun's sore cheekbone and let his hand rest in the junction of his neck. Kun closed his eyes. </p><p>“will you leave me?” the older asked. Kunhang frowned. </p><p>“what do you mean?” </p><p>“i mean, will you go to your place after this?” </p><p>“no,” Kunhang moved his hand to the top of Kun's head, where he combed his damp hair. “i'll stay here and love you until you tell me to stop.” </p><p>Kun circled Kunhang's wrist with his hand and with tender eyes he shook his head no. </p><p>“i won't tell you to stop, i don't want you to stop.” </p><p>“then i'll just stay here,” he placed his hand on Kun's jaw once again, ghosting his finger over Kun's bruised lips. Kun didn't move away, he just stared at him, almost pliant, so Kun deemed it reckless but not completely inappropriate to kiss him, short and sweet, on the lips. it was Kun who chased after Kunhang's mouth, but he stopped him before either of them did something they would most likely regret. </p><p>“c'mon, Kun,” he said instead, sitting to grab at the blankets and put them over their bodies. “let's sleep,” he stroked Kun's button nose with the back of his index finger in a motherly fashion and Kun closed his eyes. “i'll be here when you wake up.” </p><p>and when Kun woke up, Kunhang was, indeed, still there. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>*insert Jaemin's voice* WOW</p>
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<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
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    <p>it had been nice, something completely unexpected despite knowing that Kunhang was different and that he did what he promised. he felt, however, a pleasant surprise upon opening his eyes in the morning, feeling his body aching as he commonly felt, seeing the same walls and windows and still not feeling lonely and abandoned as he had come to associate being in his <em>own</em> bed. that morning he felt the pain in his limbs, yes, but accompanied by a warmth that strangely was not his body on fire or heated from crying so much. he did not feel cold or lonely. the sheets on the bed remained cool, as the weather itself was cool too, but Kunhang's body heat at his side soothed him and eased all his discomfort. </p><p>“hi there,” his friend greeted him when he saw him open his eyes and blink quickly to get used to the morning light. Kun looked at him although it was difficult to focus his gaze, his eyes felt swollen from crying so much and it hurt to move, but he pushed everything aside in order to give his friend the attention he deserved. Kunhang turned his body a little on the padding to rest on his side, bringing his arm over the pillow to lean his weight on his elbow and place the palm of his hand under his cheek and thus look at Kun more comfortably. “how do you feel?”</p><p>Kun let his eyes travel a little more all over the face of his friend who was younger than him a couple of years, appreciating the smile that he always carried painted on his thin face and that that morning he also showed, genuine and attentive, Kun could distinguish behind it, in a deeper layer of his being and his feelings, a hint of sadness that Kun didn't like to see overshadowing his being. </p><p>“i am fine,” his voice came out hoarse, worn from the cries and pleas he had said the day before, from the tears he had shed, it had been a lot and Kun felt dry, as if he were incapable of shedding a single tear. “and you?”</p><p>Kunhang smiled even more, Kun wondered how that was possible. “calm because i'm here and i can make sure you're okay,” he reached out with the hand that wasn't holding his weight to run over Kun's bruise on his cheekbone. “hmm. we should smear a little more salve on these bruises.”</p><p>he had already seen him last night, Kun still felt like he might throw up if he let Kunhang see his body, damaged and fat and unworthy of being seen once more. he tried to push the ugly feelings of insecurity aside because the last thing he wanted was to ruin the moment, so he nodded. “and can we have breakfast later?”</p><p>the youngest shook his head in quick movements to nod. “sure, we can,” he pushed himself to sit up and Kun followed suit, albeit slower, fighting the pain. “i brought waffles last time i came, we can heat those,” the words tumbled from her lips as he rushed to get closer to Kun when he saw him struggling. with his gentle hands, he made him sit on the edge of the bed and then stumbled to get the ointment that he had left on the desk, a little further from the bed, and bring it to repeat the same process of the previous day on all the parts Kun's damaged body. “may i?” he stopped to ask anyway, not wanting to bother Kun.</p><p>he wanted to say <em>no</em>, that no one could see his body, much less touch it. <em>y</em><em>our</em> <em>body is mine</em>, he kept hearing Beomseok's voice in his head and Kun wanted nothing more than to listen to him, he was always right, why was Kun here? he shouldn't be with any other man other than his boyfriend.</p><p>“i don't think he is anymore,” he heard Kunhang whisper fearfully, answering the thing Kun had said outlod without realising. Kunhang was afraid of getting a reaction from Kun that he couldn't control. </p><p>Kun shook his head. what had happened? he had woken up quite calm and now he could feel his heartbeat increase in frequency until he almost felt it in his throat, he could swear he was choking. “no, it can't be...” he whispered, helpless. Kunhang also started to panic at the words. “he has to be okay, i must help him.”</p><p>it didn't make sense, Kun felt that the words that came out of his mouth were lies but his mind told him that it was okay, that he should return to Beomseok and that was all he had to do in life. </p><p><em>“Kun</em>,” Kunhang warned, using a somewhat harsher tone of voice than he would have liked, but it had to get Kun's attention and get him out of that limbo that was beginning to scare him. Kun didn't look at him. “<em>Kun</em>,” he said again. “<em>Kun!” t</em>hat made him turn to look at Kunhang, his eyes dancing and bewildered. “Kun, they found out yesterday,” he said it crude and direct, because he could not continue to disguise the truth in the way Kun always did. Kunhang had promised him support, but had also told him that whenever he had he would intervene for his sake. that moment was now. “they are not going to let him walk through life so freely now.”</p><p>“what will they do?" his eyes were wide open, trying to tell him the truth even though he didn't want to hear it, his mind kept confusing him. </p><p>“they will require your version of the facts at school,” they weren't going to take him to the authorities, not yet, unless Kun denounced him which was what Kunhang wanted him to do for his good. all his friends agreed. they had stayed until the end the day before and refused to leave the situation on the air, the principal agreed to listen before taking it to the legal level. Kunhang had been in contact with Ten very early, before Kun woke up, and everyone agreed that they should pull Kun out of that abyss no matter what it took. Kun did not move when he heard his words and Kunhang took it as a good sign for him to listen. “Kun, you don't deserve this. you are the brightest person i have ever met and it hurts to see your brightness, your light, fade a little more and more,” he saw Kun's chest begin to move at a calmer pace, it was a good sign. “gē, you deserve the world and with Beomseok you will never have it,” he ventured to place a hand on Kun's and Kun accepted it, immediately intertwining his fingers with Kunhang's, silently asking him to help him, <em>i </em><em>don't understand, get me out, help me</em>, he begged him without speaking. “Ten and the boys are willing to help you as i am. let me give you the world you deserve. let us help you, but help us too.”</p><p><em>it makes sense </em>, he tried to tell himself. <em>Kunhang has not hit me and that must be a good sign</em>, he said one part of himself, but the other told him <em>this is not what you deserve, you deserve pain and nothing more than that, you are insignificant</em>. what was he to believe?</p><p>“i don't know how,” he admitted, his voice breaking, but no tears came out. he clung to Kunhang with all his strength until he had his arms around him, fused into a hug that Kun hadn't felt in a long time and was unfortunate because <em>this is nice</em>, he thought. <em>is this the way it's meant to be?</em></p><p>“i'll help you until we both, together,” he paused to look at Kun's face, “can figure it out. i won't leave you alone, gē. you're not doing this on your own.”</p><p>Kun didn't cry, but his heart sure did, for all the beautiful things that sprouted and sprung up in his chest and maybe yes, that's how it should be, it felt too good not to be the right thing to do. he would fight his mind for some time, but Kun found it worthy. </p><p>“it won't be easy,” Kunhang told him, Kun just tightened his arms around Kunhang's torso, burying his face into his chest. “but you'll make it."</p><p>nodding his head, Kun said, “i will," he took a deep breath. “what do i have to do first?”</p><p>Kunhang gave him a sweet smile. “will go and talk to the principal about this, then we will all press charges against him,” Kun flinched. “but first let me treat your bruises again and eat breakfast.”</p><p>it sounded like a plan and Kun agreed.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>and hellooo, i'm back again with this one, i'm so sorry for taking too long, but doesn't it happen to you that your mind just keeps coming with ideas and you have to write them down or start them before you forget the plot and the feeling of how the story should go? because that happens to me all the time and that's why i kept going with other works neglecting this one,, smh<br/>i have so many ideas honestly, my notes are full, and they just keep flowing, so i truly apologise</p><p>n e ways, here's the new chap :)<br/>-n</p>
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